Tuesday 24 March 2020

Latest BardSong: "Getting Familiar with Reptilia."

Consider awhile the wily rep-tile.
To say they’re all evil, you’d miss by a mile.
The greens all agree that they keep down the pests,
Whereas others may find they are unwelcome guests.
But love them or hate them, they need some explaining,
Or reptiliphobics will soon start complaining.

Lizards are wizards, the way they escape,
Forsaking their tail and their old scaly cape.
So our feathery predator’s so darn surprised!
What he thought was his dinner’s now only snack-sized.
And don’t get confused ‘twixt a skunk and a skink,
For a skink is no skunk, ‘cos a skink doesn’t stink.

A dragon likes braggin’, and he’s a real pest!
He took on St George, but came off second best.
If he’d only give up his destructive desires,
His breath could be used to light warm winter fires.
Their legends abound, and so this makes me pause.
Apart from the fire, could they be dinosaurs?

The adder is badder, and quite calculating.
His multiplication comes only by mating.
By treating them well, they’ll increase exponentially.
Burrowing, they’ll find a square root, eventually.
Dividing a bird’s egg, subtracting the yolk,
He added this comment: “All maths is a joke.”

Don’t get too hyper, when handling a viper.
Make sure he’s not resting on your windscreen-wiper.
Just talk to him nicely, avoid getting bit,
‘Coz sometimes he throws us a bad hissy fit.
If it comes to a fight, beware of the toxin!
But having no hands, he aint good at boxin’.

The bane of the serpent is good ol’ Saint Patrick
He outplayed the pagans and got him a hat-trick:
He caught out the priests, their chieftains were stumped,
He ran out the snakes. In the sea they were dumped.
But it leaves a dilemma for Erinn’s fair isle,
For rabbits and mice have become a great trial.

Keeping house I abhor for a vast dinosaur,
‘Cos that is a creature one cannot ignore.
The grocery bill’s monstrous. You’ll lose your pet rabbits!
(That bully T. rex won’t adopt vegan habits.)
Then all he will leave you is fossils and bones.
At least he’ll abandon your TV and phones.

You need a translator to talk with a ‘gator,
But once understood, he’s a fine educator.
Discussing Gastronomy, enters right in
With his charming, engaging and wide, toothy grin?
But crocs wearing socks, they think outside the box.
But if they’re inside, I’d suggest some good locks.

With a lisp, comes a boast from a sea-faring python:
“I thailed to Alathka and thwallowed a bithon.
My thtomach’th ekthtended tho much,” grumbled he,
“It’th thimply too rithky to thail on the thea.”
So this is the moral this tale brings to you:
Make sure you don’t bite off what you cannot chew.

So what can we say of the old Joseph Blake?
A snake’s just a snake for heaven’s good sake!
More villain than hero they’re often depicted.
With stern disapproval they’re often afflicted.
But why should we all be so quick to condemn?
There’s times in our lives when we’re rather like them.

We serpentine folk have these character flaws
Where falsehoods and slanders proceed from our jaws.
We spit out pure venom, our words often bite.
Examples abound of deception and spite,
Like, when the Lone Ranger by salesmen got stung,
Then Tonto he told him: “Them speak with forked tongue!”


That serpent of serpents our Eve he deceived,
Then Adam’s race fell and all nature is grieved.
And throughout the ages, our serpentine ways
Brings death and destruction, and darkens our days.
The venom of Sin it’s polluting our blood,
It poisons our souls and our minds are as mud.

The Israelites God freed from Pharaoh’s cruel chain.
In spite of His blessings, they loudly complain
Until they were bitten by serpents of fire
And so they repented at God’s righteous ire.
For toxic ingratitude summons the snake
Who destroys them who God’s endless goodness forsake.

But God showed His mercy, His boundless compassion.
He called upon Moses this symbol to fashion:
A great brazen serpent he raised on a pole,
And whoever beheld it at once was made whole.
It speaks of the cross where the Son became Sin,
And that’s how God dealt with my serpent within.

Thursday 5 March 2020

Latest BardSong wins "Highly Commended" award. It's called "The Dreams of Wannabe Johnnie B"

I wish I was a famous guy 
So’s I can give up school. 
I’d poke that bully in the eye, 
And make him look a fool. 
I’d make a billion bucks and buy 
The coolest motor cyke, 
I’d travel round the world and I 
Would never have to hike. 

But Dad said “Son, if rich you’d be, 
You’ll have to study heaps, 
Then go to university.” 
But that gives me the creeps! 
“Or maybe get a job,” he said 
“You’d have to work real hard. 
Stop dreaming and get out of bed! 
Go out and sweep the yard!” 


I’d like to be the president 
Of the United States. 
Though King of England’s more my bent. 
I’ll knight all of me mates. 
I’d order all my fav’rite foods. 
It’s Macca’s every night! 
Arrest the crooks and nasty dudes. 
King Johnnie makes it right! 

But Mum said “Johnny, little man, 
Don’t think of such a thing! 
A president’s Ameri-can, 
A king is born a king. 
When things go wrong you’d get the blame 
No matter what you do. 
The press they try to stain your name. 
Assassins target you!” 


Or how’s about a superstar 
Performing on the stage? 
I’ll knock ‘em dead with my guitar, 
My songs are all the rage. 
Then all the chicks’ll think I’m rad 
And swoon each time I sing. 
Then even family would be glad 
That I’m just like The King. 

But my best friend just laughed and jeered: 
“But you can’t hold a tune! 
The songs you write sound kinda weird, 
Like howling at the moon. 
You just don’t practice every night. 
You don’t tune your guitar. 
With Elvis-curls you look a fright. 
You’ll never be a star. 


I’d love to be a Jedi Knight, 
Light Sabre in my hand. 
Them big bad Siths I’d bravely fight, 
The Force I could command. 
I’d take my friends to stars beyond. 
Their hero I would be. 
I’d drop fat Billie in the pond 
Just like he done to me. 

But big Bro scoffed “You’re such a nerd! 
Those worlds just don’t exist. 
The dumbest thing I ever heard! 
Your brain’s lost in a mist. 
Some special powers the Jedi had 
But even if they’re true, 
Ol’ master Yoda would be mad 
To train a geek like you!” 


‘Magine me as Superman 
With muscles like balloons. 
I’d fly in with my garbage can 
And clean up all them hoons. 
Or even just a footy star 
Full forward I would play. 
I’d kick the mostest goals by far 
Upon Grand Final Day. 

But, I dunno. Yeah, what’s the use? 
I’ll never be that great. 
I’ll always be just Johnnie Bruce 
The cool kids love to hate. 
Just silly dreams these are, maybe. 
I’ll always be the same: 
Just full of mediocrity, 
I’ll never get no fame. 

Then, Pastor Dan, he spoke to me: 
“Hey! Listen, Johnnie mate. 
Famous we may never be, 
But we can still be great. 
The most loved folks of history 
Just carried out their call, 
And here’s the greatest mystery: 
To rise, you have to fall. 

“Don’t try to be a wannabe, 
Earning huge amounts. 
God has a plan – your destiny – 
And that’s what really counts. 
The greatest Man Who walked this Earth 
He won, then lost His fame. 
A carpenter of humble birth, 
Yes, Jesus was His Name.”